Finding a Reason

13 Reasons Why

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 07:01:14 -0400

I just finished 13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher. Actually It was my second time reading it. For those of you who don’t know what the story is about it is about a boy who receives cassette tapes from an unknown person. When he listens to them he finds out they were made by a girl from his school who committed suicide. She has them being mailed to everyone who is mentioned on the tapes. She describes her life or her reasons as a snowball effect. How one action leads to another.

Now you might be wondering why I decided to read a very depressing book twice. Well the first time I read it I was in a deep depression. The only books I would read are about depression, self harming, and suicide. Now I am okay. I still have my bad days, but I can handle them now with out self harming. I wanted to see this time if I would have the same reaction.

For the most part I did. It scared me just as it did before. I have felt the same way the girl did in the book. Like every time I am let up for air some one pushes me back under the water. I had my own snowball effect. I had my own out burst were I just wanted someone to know what was going on. To ask me if I was okay and realize I wasn’t.

There was one thing I didn’t realize the first time. That this book made me really consider suicide. I went back and read my old journal from the first time I read this. It talks about about how I want it all to go away. I want to be left alone. I was just done with people and life. I have always said I would never commit suicide because I was scared of death.

That is true. If anyone talks about death I started to have a panic attack. But when I was severely depressed my fears no longer mattered. All I wanted was for the pain to end. Too bad like the girl no one noticed. Everyone including my friends thought I was holding it all together. No one saw the signs or my cries for help.

Why does this matter. Clearly I am fine now. I made it through the darks times. Yes I did. Not everyone does though. Suicide rates for teenagers is rising. Parents. Teachers. Friends. People. Need to notice. The problem is we think well someone else will help them. If you think that then other people do too. And that person who is crying out gets pushed along until they have no strength to told on any longer.

We need to be more aware. We need to take action. No one deserves to feel like no one cares. That they are alone in this world. So take the time to help someone if you notice their cries. One person can make a difference. They could end the snowball effect.

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Wed, 30 May 2012 23:35:26 -0400

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Wed, 30 May 2012 23:34:38 -0400

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Wed, 30 May 2012 23:32:58 -0400

livepassionately16: True friendship

Wed, 30 May 2012 23:28:59 -0400

livepassionately16:

True friendship

Confused...

Wed, 30 May 2012 23:18:56 -0400

My two best friends broke up about two months ago. My guy friend and I have become even closer. Which is great. I love him do death, but I’m just getting confused about how I am feeling for him. With all the changes going on I think I just want to cling to something or someone constant in my life. I hope that is it. This is not one person I want to have feelings for. He is a great guy, but I dont want to lose our friendship becuase of something stupid. AHH why does it have to be this way.

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Wed, 16 May 2012 20:50:41 -0400

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Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:40:35 -0400

If I wasn't afraid of dying, I would have committed suicide by now.

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:33:11 -0400

confessions-of-self-harmers: I recognize other self-harmers....

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:27:08 -0400

confessions-of-self-harmers:

I recognize other self-harmers. The way they hide their bodies, the pale scars. I know that look.

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Sun, 29 Apr 2012 22:15:00 -0400

The Battle is still on...

Wed, 11 Apr 2012 18:56:33 -0400

One of my family members told me I was looking for attention and that I was going to hell because I self-harm. She told me that all I need to do is take god into my heart and I will be healed. I do not have the same belief as her. I thanked her for her help, but she made me want to cut. That night I did not pick up the knife, but on easter I lost control. When my uncle wanted to talk about what she had said I just could not hold myself together anymore. Today one of my friends saw they cuts and told me she thought I was done with all that crap. I looked at her baffled. I had to explain cutting is not a one time thing. It is an addiction that is hard to battle. I wish people understood more and wouldn’t look at me like I was a crazy person. I thought my friends did, but maybe I need to explain it better.

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Wed, 11 Apr 2012 18:43:22 -0400

If you've ever self-harmed in anyway, reblog this.

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:15:07 -0500

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Wed, 08 Feb 2012 12:12:30 -0500

jar-of-dust: hohoho so true

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:51:32 -0500

jar-of-dust:

hohoho so true

Why do it...

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:50:49 -0500

I “fell off the wagon” in January. I started cutting and I don’t even know why. I wish I had a reason. I know I am depressed, but usually I will be fighting with my parents or a friend. Something usually happens to make go overboard. Its been about three weeks since I have last cut. Only because I don’t have time too. The days I work its all day and then I go home and sleep. At school my roommate doesn’t need to see that. Weekends my friends are always over. Which is a good thing. It makes it easier not cut because I don’t have time to think about it. Yet there are parts of the day when I have a few minutes of the day to myself and I do think about how much I want to cut.

I used to have reasons for not cutting, but right now they aren’t strong enough for me not too. I want to stop, but its an addiction that will never go away. Even if I stop I will always want to. Which is hard for people to understand. They think it a phase. If it were a phase I would be over it by now. Its not like I want to be a cutter for the rest of my life.

I have a younger brother. He’s starting to realize that our family has a lot of issues. He wants answers, but he is too young to know. Our family has a lot of skeletons in our closet. One day he will know about everything. He is already noticing there is something wrong with me. He keeps asking were the cuts are coming from. I tell him its a cat. Which he believes since I hate cats. I know when he finds out about everthing. He is going to look at us, especially me, differently. That is the one thing I hate about all of this.

I want to stop for him. Right now I can barely mentally handle mylife. How do I help him if I can’t help myself. Hopefully eventually I will figure it all out.

[x] & [x]

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:27:22 -0500

[x] & [x]

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Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:24:42 -0500

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Wed, 08 Feb 2012 11:22:06 -0500