Finding a Reason

One of my family members told me I was looking for attention and that I was going to hell because I self-harm. She told me that all I need to do is take god into my heart and I will be healed. I do not have the same belief as her. I thanked her for her help, but she made me want to cut. That night I did not pick up the knife, but on easter I lost control. When my uncle wanted to talk about what she had said I just could not hold myself together anymore. Today one of my friends saw they cuts and told me she thought I was done with all that crap. I looked at her baffled. I had to explain cutting is not a one time thing. It is an addiction that is hard to battle. I wish people understood more and wouldn’t look at me like I was a crazy person. I thought my friends did, but maybe I need to explain it better. 

(via dead--inside)

I “fell off the wagon” in January. I started cutting and I don’t even know why. I wish I had a reason. I know I am depressed, but usually I will be fighting with my parents or a friend. Something usually happens to make go overboard. Its been about three weeks since I have last cut. Only because I don’t have time too. The days I work its all day and then I go home and sleep. At school my roommate doesn’t need to see that. Weekends my friends are always over. Which is a good thing. It makes it easier not cut because I don’t have time to think about it. Yet there are parts of the day when I have a few minutes of the day to myself and I do think about how much I want to cut. 

I used to have reasons for not cutting, but right now they aren’t strong enough for me not too. I want to stop, but its an addiction that will never go away. Even if I stop I will always want to. Which is hard for people to understand. They think it a phase. If it were a phase I would be over it by now. Its not like I want to be a cutter for the rest of my life.

I have a younger brother. He’s starting to realize that our family has a lot of issues. He wants answers, but he is too young to know. Our family has a lot of skeletons in our closet. One day he will know about everything. He is already noticing there is something wrong with me. He keeps asking were the cuts are coming from. I tell him its a cat. Which he believes since I hate cats. I know when he finds out about everthing. He is going to look at us, especially me, differently. That is the one thing I hate about all of this. 

I want to stop for him. Right now I can barely mentally handle mylife. How do I help him if I can’t help myself. Hopefully eventually I will figure it all out. 

    I know its over done about how people hate Valentines Day. Its not that I hate the idea of it because you should show someone how much you care about them. My point is why wait till Valentines Day. Some are probably thinking its because I am alone for Valentines Day. NO. I have been in a relationship on Valentines Day before and we sat there watching movies like any other day. We got each other something small because it was valentines day, but other then that for me it was just another day. If I am in a relationship I do cute little things all year. Like if Im out and I find something for someone I care about I get it for them and give it as a just because gift or if they are having a rough time its to cheer them up. Why not have your own little valentines when ever you want them and not just that one day a year.